Post #2: The importance of friendships

Friendships

It's funny how when you're younger you desperately want to be considered someone's friend or have lots of them: You want to be popular. But then some time during adulthood, it hits you: I don't want that many friends. If I have a few good ones I can rattle off on one hand, then that's more than enough. Why is there such a shift? I think it's because you realize the superficial nature in which a lot of these friendships survive; or you experience a shocking revelation from so-called friends who are no where to be found when you need them most; or when you notice these "friends" don't cheer you on, encourage you, or share joy with you in your success.

(Note: Feel free to jam along to my favorite songs about friends as you read. Videos can be found below)

While many of us learn this life lesson, some of us don't recognize it as easily. Many people, including myself, tend to look at the years invested in a friendship to justify fighting for it. "I've known him/her since I was little..." as if that means there's no way they could wrong you. I'm a strong proponent of cutting off toxic "friendships" that bring nothing positive to your life. But in that same token, I think you should recognize why you choose to have certain people in your life.  Is it because of the social standing they bring? Do they have more money than you? Do they make you feel better about yourself because they're down and out? Are YOU the toxic element in their life?

I also challenge you to realize that friendships are sometimes meant to end... having one purpose or lasting just a season. Also, your friendships are not equal. Some friends are better at offering support, while others are better at being social and having a good time.

And just because someone doesn't treat you the way you think you would treat them doesn't mean they're not a friend.  It could be that you're putting more weight into the friendship than they feel is necessary. They're not wrong for not being there for you in the way *you deem necessary.  They may be giving you their best when it comes to friendship. After all, a friendship is a two-way street. But life is crazy, hectic and busy, so just because you can't see or talk to each other on a regular basis does not mean you don't share a genuine friendship.

How to define a friendship?

This question sounds silly and elementary, but it's a question we rarely ask ourselves on something that is very important in our lives.  Friendships can dictate who you date and then marry, and then how you treat each other within that marriage.  I'm not talking about girlfriends butting in with their opinion about a new guy their friend is dating. I'm talking about the foundation in which you build a relationship with your potential and future mate: friendship.

For example, I define friendship as sharing common interests, enjoying each other's company, being a support system in good and bad times, and loving your friend enough to tell him/her when they're wrong but in a gentle manner in which they can hear you trying to help, and not trying to ridicule. The latter is, of course, easier said than done. In fact, I think a lot of friendships get tested and even end because of this. Of course, the other culprit in destroying friendships is "not talking" about issues, and letting stuff boil up until they explode. Now that's just my opinion for myself. Ultimately, define what you want out of a friendship and then look at yourself. Are you giving those qualities without saying, 'Well they did this for me, so I'll do this for them.' You could argue the better phrase for a healthy friendship would be, 'I'm doing this for them simply because I care."

How to be a better friend

I've always considered myself an awesome friend. Duh? j/k But I've also had to get a reality check that I too have some growing in that area. What I need to do is listen more, and not try to interject too much. Sometimes people just want a good listener, and that alone can move mountains in making someone feel better about their circumstances. I've also learned that being kind is so much easier than being hurtful. BUT I've also had so-called friends who I have done absolutely nothing to turn on me with such a vengeance that it would knock you off your feet. And that has taught me to do something so challenging: pray for them! Sometimes people are attracted to you for whatever your talent may be (great personality, social, intelligent, successful, in shape, etc...) because they want that for themselves. And there's nothing wrong with that. But sometimes these same people hate the very thing they love about you (i.e. jealousy). These are the most dangerous "friendships." I think most of us have been there: You confide in someone only to learn they are getting pure joy out of your lows. I hear many all such people "cancers." And what do you do with a form of cancer? You try to cut it out!
Therefore, I encourage you to evaluate your relationships. Life is too short and precious to waste your time with people who don't make you smile and think, all while motivating and encouraging. If they're not bringing anything but negativity, cut them out! As I like to say, "I'm allergic to negativity!" :) 

(Whodini - Friends)

• Your friends should make you want to be better. 
• You don't have to talk on a regular basis, but simply have a genuine understanding with an occasional attempt of effort, whether it's a phone call or just a Facebook message. 
• You may say the previously mentioned description is not the definition of "real" friends. But that goes back to the fact that all friendships are not the same. Some people are closer to you than others. Some people you would call if your car broke down, others you would just call to grab a drink. It's okay to file your friendships in different categories.
• And for those single people out there, if you can't learn to develop healthy friendships, don't expect a marriage to miraculously work out on its own simply because you have a piece of paper. Marriage is a beautiful but challenging relationship, and if you can't perfect the basics of being genuine friends with each other, you have an uphill battle for years to come (says the single person ha!)

(Whitney Houston & CeCe Winans - Count on Me)


I thank God for my friendships, "my sisters from other misters" haha, my friendships with my relatives, and even my old friends and associates. I learn so much from every single one of them, even the ones who have wronged me in the past. Heck, a lot of their knowledge I put in this blog entry! Relationships make the world go round, and you can't take that for granted. 

NERD LAND :) If you'd like a more scientific look at friendships and how they change over time. Check out this new study. It actually found while your friends may change, you usually keep the same number, and get this-- it states we have a finite capacity for close relationships.